You might be from Wisconsin if

…your name is Frank [1] and people are trying to kill you and a film critic calls you ‘Mr. Calm.’ [2]

This morning I read a review of ‘The Tourist.’ [3] It’s funny. To me, anyway. The reviewer writes, Depp ‘completely botches the movie, making Frank Mr. Calm when he should be freaking out about all the people trying to kill him.’ [4] A few things come to mind:

1. Frank is a character from Wisconsin. [5] And he’s in Venice. [6] Of course he’s calm. He’s thawing out. In Venice.
2. Frank’s character is a math teacher. [7] (Yay for math teachers.) Imagine Dr. Charles Edward Eppes [8] from Wisconsin (rather than California)  thawing out in Venice and calculating the trajectory of bad-guy bullets [9] with the uncertainty of being hit by bad-guy bullets. [10]
3. People from Wisconsin, especially math teachers, don’t freak out. Unless it’s regarding an upsetting Packer game where the Bears mop up Lambeau Field with the green and gold. [11]
4. Finally, all us Wisconsin guys look like Johnny Depp. [12] Right ladies? All guys look just like Johnny Depp, when we’re in Venice. I think it has something to do with the Italian climate. (When we’re in Wisconsin, we sort of look like Chris Farley. [13])

Ok, so ‘The Tourist’ isn’t really a film about Wisconsin. Maybe if it was more about Wisconsin it would get better reviews from film critics.

[1] Johnny Depp plays the character Frank a math teacher from Wisconsin in the film ‘The Tourist.’ [2] Reading a movie review on a Friday morning after eating organic ‘frosted toaster pastries’ is as banal as the movie review. [3] Nevertheless, the reviewer brings up a good question. I’m still searching for the question. [4] Even though the reviewer writes for a Chicago outlet, it doesn’t mean he understands male Wisconsin math teachers. [5] Current temperature in my adopted hometown, is a balmy 19°F. [6] Current temperature in Venice, Italy, frigid 43°F. [7] I suppose you could always work in the patent office. [8] Dr. Eppes, author of ‘Friendship, As Easy as Pi.’ [9] Numb3rs, Episode 109: Trajectory or Episode 612: Arm and arms. [10] Numb3rs, Episode 102: Uncertainty Principle. [11] Yeah, I know that was awhile ago, but Green Bay fans still freak out when the Bears beat the Packers at Lambeau Field. I mean, it’s LAMBEAU FIELD. Full disclosure: I’ve never actually been to Lambeau Field. I drove by it once or twice, but you can’t really see it from the highway. And yes, it is possible to live in Wisconsin and never visit the sacred ground of Lambeau Field. [12] ‘There is a little Bugs Bunny in all of us.’ [13] ‘In Madison, it’s a neighborhood story.’